On days like this, I lay in my bed staring into space, I lay in silence and let it consume me. My heart is aching inside me and yet I have hope.
Because I know God, I have hope. It makes me wonder, “How can hope and despair co-exist inside me?”
Even with this hope, I can still feel despair creep into my being, suffocating my mind.
I know that life is still worth living, that this gift of life is still beautiful, and yet how can living be this painful?
I feel like I am on both ends of the spectrum with nothing in between. My emotions are far too stimulating, I’m tormented, so much that I’d rather not feel anything at all.
I’m tired of living.
I’m exhausted, Lord. Help me.
I wrote in my journal because it was the only way to keep my day together. To write down, without sugarcoating, what I am feeling.
When things get tough, I usually isolate myself and cut off contact with people. It's how I cope. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I just want to be left alone. Deep down, I think no one really understands how I feel. Being alone seems better because I don't have to depend on anyone. If I'm already hurting, it's easier to hurt alone because at least I won't be let down by someone else. Or, that's what I thought...
Today, I wanted to escape again, the idea ran through my head over and over again, tempting me.
A week ago, I faced the same thought but did the opposite. Feeling like I was drowning and wanting to hide, the Lord reminded me of the gift of writing He gave me. So, I decided that this time, I'm not going to hide. I'm going to write, doing the opposite of what I usually do.
People often think I have everything together or at least that I’m resilient but here I am writing and publishing this journal to show people that I am weak, helpless, vulnerable, and surely, I don’t have the most extravagant faith.
I’m broken and there are days when I don’t want to continue living anymore. It is God’s grace that carries me through when I can’t even carry myself. It's His grace that puts me back together every time I feel like I'm falling apart. It's His grace saying, "Try again" when all I want to do is give up. It's His grace, always.
Even as I write this, I still feel miserable. My only prayer is that even in the midst of my misery, the Lord may give me the grace to love Him. To say, “Lord, it's painfully unbearable, but I still love You and I still choose You”
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